dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
