Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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