mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
