Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
