I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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