There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
