My hand turned me down
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize