The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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