If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
