I think my fart just growled at me.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Randomize
