last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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