I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
