I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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