I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
