im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
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If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
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