So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
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I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
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Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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