I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I think a kid would responsible me up
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
