Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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