i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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