U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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