How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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