he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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