what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
