U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Randomize
