There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
She's the barista slut.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
