She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
