No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
