I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Found the puke drawer
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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