I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
