My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
