The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
