me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
My vagina just recognized that song.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
