We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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