2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
