By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
