I just cut my nipple shaving
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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