I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
