College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
it was like having sex with a tree stump
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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