my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
