So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
