dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I need water and some morals
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
