After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
