Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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