I am spending my child support on dildos
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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