I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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