fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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