I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
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It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
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Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I know her cup size but not her name....
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