I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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