Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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