they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
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Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
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I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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