Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
