Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
